"Nothing Works For Me" by Richard Lederer

I found this while browsing Adam Young's blog (as in the guy in Owl City... yeah. <3) Anyway, call me lame but I thought it was hysterical.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I couldn’t concentrate and got canned.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but I just couldn’t hack it so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job, de-pleting and de-pressing.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was super exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber but I just couldn’t cut it.

So then I became a hairdresser but the job was just too cut and dried.

I sold Origami but the business folded.

I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

I studied a long time to become a doctor but I didn’t have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried my best but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a Velcro salesman but couldn’t stick with it.

I was a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I became a baker but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I tried being a fireman but I got burned out.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I just wasn’t up to it.

So then I got a job in a gym but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but found the work shocking and revolting so they discharged me.

I got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I became a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.

I became a tennis pro but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung.

I tried being a teacher but I soon loss my principal, my faculties and my class.

I tried being a farmer but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.

Then I was a pilot but I didn’t have the right altitude.

I worked at Starbucks but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I retired and I found I’m a perfect fit for this job!